“I can’t forgive him for what he did!” Wendy said these words very emphatically. She was at a live-in conference on counselling. She was a pastor to women at a large city church. During the conference it was expected that all participants would be willing to be counselled as part of their learning experience. It turned out that I had been chosen to be the leader of the three people (one man and two women) to hear her story and to pray with her.
She shared much of her life with us. Perhaps the most traumatic incident in her life occurred when she was eighteen years of age. She had been on a tourist coach tour which stopped overnight at several towns. One night the Tour Director came uninvited into her room and tried to sexually molest her. Her screams brought other people in the hotel rushing to her door. By that time the man had gone but her clothing was in disarray, she was almost hysterical, and extremely embarrassed.
One result of that incident was that she didn’t trust men and especially men in authority. Perhaps for that reason she had never been able to enter into a relationship with a man. At the time of the conference she was in her late 30’s. It helped explain why she was not really at ease when the counselling began with me as the lead counsellor. However after she shared what had happened to her as a teenager we began to work through the process of forgiveness. It was obvious that she needed to move on for her own health sake. We knew that if she was willing to forgive the man, she could become more free as a result. (The man had never asked for her forgiveness). Forgiveness is never ever about condoning sin. Rather it was recognising that the man had harmed her and she needed to deal with the resultant effects. This was not a time for us to be extending sympathy to her. She’d had plenty of that in the past. Rather we sought to bring her healing.
When we suggested that it would help her to forgive the man for HER sake, she became quite angry. “I can’t forgive him for what he did!” she cried out. We tried to be gentle in what followed. Eventually it seemed right to ask her, “Why don’t you want to forgive him?” I think we were all a little bit startled when she retorted, “Well I don’t know if he has suffered enough yet for what he did!” It took some time before I could reply. I knew she had a very wonderful ministry and wanted to be in the centre of God’s will. I asked, “Wendy, when you came to the Lord asking God to forgive you, did He say, ‘No you haven’t suffered enough yet?’” After a short pause she answered, “No, He forgave me immediately!” We kept praying silently. Then she said, “I know I need to forgive that fellow but I never wanted to. It has been affecting me and my ministry. But now I’m ready to forgive him.” In our presence she verbalised her forgiveness towards the man. What a difference it made to Wendy. She left the conference a different woman. Within two years she fell in love and was married.
Forgiveness involves forgiving everyone who may have hurt us. It means forgiving everything they ever said or did that brought us harm. Forgiving sets US free as we will see in future articles. Wendy discovered this truth in a wonderful way.
“Who forgives all your iniquity.” Psalm 103:3. What sort of person would be willing to forgive ALL our iniquity?” The Lord Himself. The word for “forgives” is “salach” which we saw in my post No.7, also means to “pardon” or to “spare”. It is always used of God as the One Who forgives. The word for “iniquity” is “avon” which denotes deliberate evil or conscious rebellion, a deeper form of sin. It is not normally in the nature of humans to forgive or to pardon those who deliberately rebel against us. We by nature want to hit back or to seek revenge. But it is in the nature of God to offer forgiveness and pardon to those who rebel against Him. Why does He do it? Because it is His character to love and to forgive!
David wrote of that later in the Psalm in verses 8 to 12. He wrote in verse 8, The LORD is merciful (rachum). This word is only used of God. It refers to His compassion and to the mercy He extends to those who don’t deserve it. He is gracious. (channun). This is another word used only of God and also used often with the previous word rachum. One example is in 2 Chronicles 30:9 where His graciousness is seen in His promise not to turn His face away from those who turn to Him, … For the LORD your God is gracious (channun) and merciful (rachum) and will not turn away his face from you, if you return to him.”
He is slow to anger, Psalm 103:8. This phrase contains 2 Hebrew words which are used together at least 13 times in the Bible to describe the Lord’s patience or His longsuffering. He abounds in steadfast love. Here the word is (chesed) which is used more than 250 times in the Bible to refer to God’s faithfulness, kindness and His covenant love. It occurs 26 times in Psalm 136 and portrays God’s faithfulness, love and protection from creation to eternity, especially in His dealings with His people.
David wanted people to understand how great is that steadfast love (chesed). He describes it in verse 12, as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him. In other words humans do not have the capacity to understand how great is God’s love for His people. It is beyond measure.
What effect does that (chesed) love have in God’s forgiveness of those who love Him? He tells us in verse 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. That is a very long way. When God forgives us He removes those sins totally from us. He no longer sees the sinner as guilty of those sins. They are taken away to infinity and are no longer attributed to the penitent sinner.
These words have brought immense freedom to those who felt that they were full of guilt and who wondered if they could ever be free of it. The good news is that no matter how far they may have strayed away from God and from His laws (like the prodigal son) as they confessed their sin, God removed it even further away from them than any prodigal could ever stray.
Wendy had experienced that love of God for herself when she asked the Lord for forgiveness of all her iniquity. She also knew that she had to forgive everyone in the same way she had been forgiven by God. In that way she would become free of the effects of the sin committed against her on that coach tour. But the freedom and the healing come as one acts on that knowledge and chooses to forgive. Wendy took a long time to come to the point of deciding to forgive. But when she did, and forgave the man, God worked a miracle in her life. She was the recipient of the peace and love that the Lord poured into her heart. I was the recipient of a great hug from her when the counselling time came to an end. In one prayer ministry session the Lord had changed her incredibly. And especially her attitude towards men.
Doing what God says and forgiving those we need to forgive, opens us up to the grace and power of God to change us. It enables us to receive and experience His love for ourselves. It also enables us to love others with His forgiving love as Wendy found to her great delight.
(This is a true story but the name “Wendy” is not the real name of the person mentioned in the story).
Questions for consideration by groups or individuals. (Added September 2016)
Question 1. In the article Wendy said she found it difficult to forgive the man who tried to molest her. What made it difficut for her to forgive him? What truth eventually made her willing to forgive him?
Question 2. In Psalm 103:8-12 David describes the character of God as being merciful, gracious, slow to anger and having steadfast love. No wonder He can forgive! Do you think we humans could ever have some of those characteristics in our relationships with other people? Give some reasons for your answer.
Question 4. Having answered the previous question, review your answer in the light of the characteristics known as the “Fruit of the Spirit “that all believers are meant to exhibit in their lives. These are found in Galatians 5:22-23 and are described as “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Does this make you change the answer to the last question in any way? What changes would you now make if any?
Question 5. How would you try to describe the meaning of verse 12 to those who wanted to know if God could forgive them of some pretty nasty stuff in their past lives? What truths from that verse would you try to bring out to them?
Jim Holbeck. Blog No.16. Posted on Friday 11th March 2011
013. Forgiveness. Genesis 45-50. The Story Of Joseph
Ilsa suffered a lot of harm from many, many people when she lived as a young woman in Eastern Europe during the Second World War. (Ilsa was the woman we read about in our last article.) Then of course she was never in a position to seek vengeance. Her traumatic experiences had been in another country more than fifty years before. At that time she had been a vulnerable young woman in a country occupied by a foreign army. But what if she had had an opportunity for revenge back then? Would she have taken revenge? The reality was that there was no one to whom she could appeal. She just had to live with her memories for all those years. And there were many. It seemed to her that there was no chance of any closure and that her life would continue to consist of times when memories would come flooding back. With the memories often came the emotions associated with them. She wondered if she could ever be free.
Her healing came when she began to decline rapidly in health. She realised she needed to get rid of “all that stuff” that was always in her thoughts and memories. The good news is that she found an answer. She could learn to forgive those who had hurt her and let the hurtful things go. With some help and by God’s grace she was enabled to forgive all those people she remembered who had harmed her. Now there was closure. She was able to move on in life without wanting vengeance and as a result enjoyed dramatically improved physical and emotional health. The memories whenever they did return no longer had an emotionally crippling effect on her. She was free!
How about us in this 21st century? If it was possible for us to seek vengeance on those who had harmed us, knowing that we could get away with it, would we be tempted to do so? Such a temptation faced Joseph as he faced his brothers who had sold him into slavery. To punish or to forgive? That was the question! We see the answer in the first of the Old Testament passages we will be examining in this and in future articles.
1). GENESIS. Chapters 45 to 50. Whom Joseph forgave
Whom did Joseph need to forgive? Was he able to do so? Obviously he needed to forgive his brothers. They had sold him into slavery. He finished up far from home in Egypt. But God’s hand was on him. In the providence of God he rose to be second only to Pharaoh in the land of Egypt. Many years later when his brothers came to buy grain during a drought in Canaan he recognised them. He could easily have wreaked vengeance on them. But he didn’t. Joseph had a choice as he looked at his brothers.
One option was to cause them harm for the pain they had caused him. Because of his status in Egypt and the fact that his brothers were “foreigners” in Egypt he could easily have done so. No one but Joseph (and God) knew that these men were Joseph’s brothers. If he had put them to death no one but Joseph would have known that he was wreaking vengeance on his own brothers for their sin against him. It would have been so easy for Joseph to take revenge.
Joseph’s other option was to forgive them. That is what he chose to do. We see in the story many of the factors involved in true forgiveness.
Joseph did not live in denial. He recognised that his brothers had sinned against him. He knew that their sin had caused him to go through great anguish in Egypt. He didn’t deny what had happened but he chose to forgive them of their sin. (We will see in later articles that the reason some people can’t experience the release that forgiveness brings, comes from the fact that they are in denial of the sin committed against them. If you can’t see people as being guilty you can’t forgive them, even though they caused you much grief. It’s only as you recognise the sin of those who hurt you and make the decision to forgive those people, that the release and peace come.)
He wanted to bless those who had made his life so difficult. His generosity to them astounded them. He was seeking their best interests (which we will see later is a mark of Christian love.) Instead of dwelling on the hurt he had received in the past, he saw that God had over-ruled in what had happened. We can imagine what a shock it was when Joseph announced to them, Genesis 45:4 … “I am your brother, Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. 5 And now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. His brothers may have sold him into slavery but Joseph saw that God had over-ruled his brothers’ sin to bring him to Egypt for a special purpose.
He saw the bigger picture. He saw that God can use any experience to His glory and to the benefit of His people. The brothers’ sin had been overruled by God for Joseph’s ultimate blessing, for the blessing of his family and for the blessing of the Egyptian people. Genesis 45:7 And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. 8 So it was not you who sent me here, but God.
Joseph could easily have seen himself as a victim, which he indeed was. But “victim mentality” gets one nowhere. Evil is always evil. Sin is always sin. Evil and sin always cause harm to those sinned against. There ARE victims as a result of other people’s sin. However the good news is that people can move from being “victims” to becoming “victors” in life by the grace and power of God.
When Joseph’s father Jacob died, his brothers were afraid that Joseph might at that time pay them back for the evil they had committed against him. His true forgiveness was again seen in the reassurance he gave them. Genesis 50:19 But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? 20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. 21 So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” His forgiveness was motivated by his genuine compassion for his brothers, 21…Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Sometimes the deepest hurts we experience in life come from members of our own family or extended family. That’s what Joseph experienced. We see in this biblical example of Joseph how true forgiveness operates towards those who could never deserve or earn it.
There may be those who wonder, “How could Joseph have been so forgiving towards his brothers?” The answer is given in the text in Joseph’s complete trust in God. He believed that He over-ruled in all the various circumstances of his life. The Lord’s hand had been on him, protecting him and exalting him so that he could bring blessing in the lives of countless people. Joseph’s forgiveness of his brothers brought great blessing into his life, and in the lives of his wider family.
Ilsa? She didn’t ever become number two in the land of Egypt, or in any other land for that matter. In fact she wouldn’t have been recognised as important by many people throughout her lifetime. But God knew her need. When she asked Him to help her forgive all those people, He gave her the grace to do so in an amazing way. So amazing that I was astonished and delighted with the change in her. Her own Pastor praised God with me for the healing He worked in her.
We will read of others in the days ahead who learned to forgive and knew great blessing and healing as a result.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER by Groups or by Individuals. (Added on Thursday 11th August 2016)
Ques 1). Do you think that people often live in denial about the hurts that people caused them? Why do you think that is so?
Ques 2). In the story of Joseph what sort of thoughts could have been going through his mind when he recognised his brothers when they came to Egypt for food? Have you had similar thoughts when you met someone who harmed you in the past?
Ques 3). In what way did Joseph see “the big picture” when confronted with his brothers?Is it always possible to see “the big picture” when you are going through difficult times caused by other people?
Ques 4). Joseph had been a victim at the hands of his brothers. Why do you think he did not have a “victim mentality” that could have made him want to seek revenge?
Ques 5). Why do you think Joseph was so forgiving towards his brothers? Are there things in his example that could help us to forgive others if we were to imitate them?
Jim Holbeck. Blog No.13. Posted on Friday 4th March 2011